I See You

My heart has a way of knowing when days like today are coming up. Long before my brain registers what it is or before I can look at a calendar, it knows. Maybe it’s the scent in the air, placement of the sun, or just straight up gut. Whatever it is, I begin to close up, requiring more alone time and quiet. I get snappier and more irritable.

Loss is difficult. It leaves a lingering, uniquely shaped hole in the soul. A hole that can be patched up with any number of things. But a patch only holds up for so long and eventually, the gap begins to show through. I have come to terms that these holes- sometimes presenting like massive craters- will never be filled. No amount of {insert: obsession, vice, passion, avoidance, etc. here} can fit perfectly into the space left behind. But we all seem to try.

Eleven years ago today, Aaron and I lost our mother. My grandparents lost their daughter. Her siblings lost their sister. Others lost their cousin, aunt, niece, friend, confidant. And we all handled and continue to live with our loss so differently.

Since the passing of my mom, I have also lost my dad and many friends. Each leaving their own unique space that will never be complete again.

But those who have traveled on have also left pieces of themselves behind with me. I like to visualize these pieces as tiny gemstones that nestle perfectly within my bones and continue to radiate the love and energy of their original vessels.

Sometimes, this thought is my sole way of remaining ‘ok’. Other times, I feel so ok with life and trust that everything is happening exactly as it should be, that I feel guilty that I am able to continue on with my life… Like I said, loss is difficult… For me, the effects of loss often look different from day to day, month to month, year to year.

We all heal in our own way. And how we honor our loved ones can look vastly different from person to person and moment to moment.

If I had magic words to heal the hurt, I would share them for those interested. But I don’t.

All I can offer are these- Reach out to be heard or sit in silence if it feels right… or find something in the middle that serves you in the moment.

And no matter your choice, I see you. 💜

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