Oh, Hey. It’s Been a While

Sometimes, it’s so difficult to practice what you preach. And if you’re me, you don’t even realize that it’s happening. Or not happening? I don’t know how to express that thought.

Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from myself. Not depressed but disconnected. And not just from myself but from others too. Some days, it feels like I put on this costume of someone who has it all together. Most of the time, I can find the right words to say to others in the moments they need them. Or I find the strength to lift them up when it’s just so damn hard. But then I go home and I feel…. disconnected. Always lacking the right words for myself, unable to lift myself up.

I’m not able to pin point the source of this disconnection. It could be hormonal changes from my hysterectomy. It could be that I’m spreading myself too thin, I’m too busy. It could be because I haven’t “shown up to therapy” in too long- AKA updating the blog. It could be that I’m so frustrated with my hair but know that I should be thankful to have it.

It could be that while learning to navigate the new me, I never realized that those around me would have to be doing the same- a pretty selfish thing to realize. It could be so many things… so many things all mixed together.

I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter, what matters is that I’ve noticed it. Others have noticed it, so it’s time to address it.

I’m not looking for tips or advice, I’m just venting in what I consider a safe space. And I truly feel like once I get this off my chest by hitting ‘publish’, I’ll start to feel free and more capable of working on myself. But right now, I’m having too many moments of feeling like I’m fumbling around to get my oxygen mask on while the people around me suffer. You know, that airplane analogy and what not…. and actually, even since I started brainstorming this post a couple of weeks ago, I’ve already begun to feel at ease.

Since my last post, quite a bit has happened. I spoke at Kaiser’s C Survivors Day and I didn’t pee myself. I had people thank me at the end, share their stories with me, shake my hand. It felt good to be able to share myself with others and to have such positive feedback.

I’ve been teaching a bunch of yoga classes and I really dig it. I feel very lucky to have been given the opportunities to share what I love so dearly with others. If your in OC, come find me!

I had a bone density scan which came back great. It was primarily done to get a baseline to compare to later on and also, to look into some joint pain I’ve been having. I have the typical results of a woman my age which is awesome considering that I am in menopause, though no answer to the gnarly joint pain that causes me to shuffle to the bathroom each morning to pee. And the nagging joint pain that doesn’t allow me to open the top on my kombucha…. and life’s other important tasks. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I got a haircut about a month ago to control the mullet I had dominating my head. I now feel like I’m wearing a hair helmet. So, that needs to be fixed soon. Or is that what it’s like to grow out post chemo hair? 🤨

John and I celebrated 5 years of marriage but both agree it feels more like 15. Glad to report, we are still in love.

I’m sure there are more things, ideas, and events I am missing from the last two months. Thoughts I forgot to jot down. But that’s life. 💜

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2 thoughts on “Oh, Hey. It’s Been a While

  1. I always tell you i Love you sharing……about the feeling of being disconnected…I have that still. Not sure why. Maybe because no one knows really what we went thru or our thoughts and fears. I feel alone, disconnected. So I have decided it is part of every day Life for me, and not to put any more energy into trying to understand. We are alive, and for you, you have a wonderful husband and babies who need you. You have a purpose. Hugs

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  2. Fillooni,

    Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m in Russia right now and a few days ago the first lines from this blog post popped up in my newsfeed. I told myself to not forget to go back to read it because I related so much to these few words and thought I could find some connection in the rest of your post. It’s so interesting that even though we’re going through different experiences (in my case this transition from grad school, friends and family seeing a transformed “me” after what seems like a two year hiatus, having more alone time with my thoughts), can cause the same feeling of disconnectedness from self and others. Thank you so much for sharing. Your entire post had me teary-eyed because your words on navigating a new norm and taking your own advice really hit home for me too. Love you and sending you big hugs my soul sister.

    Liked by 1 person

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