WARNING *** Do Not Read If You Don’t Want to Visit the Land of the Boobless 

Trying so hard to channel THIS

I’ve been putting this post off until I felt happy that radiation was over. I have yet to feel it, so here we go.

Wednesday was my 25th radiation treatment. AKA I’m done. AKA I am a walking piece of beef jerky. My arm pit is one large open wound and it’s slowly opening down my chest. The overall radiated area is the reddest thing I have have seen on a human and when I remove the bandages and clean the area, layers of skin slough off. Nurses word choice, not mine. It itches like a mo’fo’ but I fear if I scratch it, all of my skin will come off. That is a 100% serious comment. No funny business when it comes to losing skin. Just boobs, I guess. 

At times, it feels like someone is inserting a handful of needles into my body and giving them a good wiggle. The pain never goes away. At night I wake up itching and then causing myself more pain. Each day, I slather on some cream prescribed by the doctor and bandage myself right up. At first, the cream gave me relief but not anymore. Apparently it’s just a thing I’m going to have to ride out because I have yet to see any healing or relief from the pain. Because if you have recommended something to help, I have tried it. 

Far left: last day of rads. Progression to today 🔥

My fried pit is bringing back my T-Rex arm. Which gives me terrible neck pain and is NOT helping my shoulder situation. I look forward to the day when I don’t have to tell my kids “watch out, remember mama has owies”. Then I can move on to dealing with the royally fucked up mental issues I am left with. So yes, I am done with radiation. 

It’s been so long since my last post that I feel like I have lots of updates. I’ll just give some highlights. A new yoga teacher took over my Wednesday morning healing class. I had an immediate good feeling about her. We got to talking after class and it turns out she is a 12 year survivor, diagnosed right after delivering her third child. 12 YEARS!!! I love those stories. So much better than when someone says “Oh, I knew so and so, they had C and they died.” Don’t say that. Just don’t. 
Recently I had a massage with an amazing massage therapist here in Orange County who gives free oncology massages. She has a pay it forward program where tips allow her to do these massages for free. When I saw her, I had a flash back of the last time I had an appointment and I realized how far I have come. I remember feeling damaged, unsure- it was shortly after my double mastectomy. Even if I don’t realize it, I really have come a long way in a couple of months.  And funny thing- I have never felt more confident in my appearance. Ever. 
My chiropractor has saved my ass (and neck and back and shoulder…) these last few weeks since I have been frequenting her office. She doesn’t only crack me and send me out the door, she’s like a therapist and friend. Looking back, she has helped me trough some really hard shit in the last few years and is definitely helping me get through this rough period. She’s one of the OG Rad Lady Posse members. 

I took a macrame workshop a couple of weeks ago and it was a really fun way to ‘check out’ for a bit. I enjoyed it so much, reminded me of college- really putting my textile design degree to use. 😜 But I also loved the way I felt energized and happy afterwards. Like a power meditation or something. I bought some supplies to make some things on my own, you know, in all my free time. 

My macrame masterpiece 🌱

The rawness of my chest and pit have not allowed me to go to yoga lately so it’s safe to say I’ve been a raging bitch. Word on the street is that I’ve been a bit ‘on edge’. The word’s not wrong. I know it’s true. (Re-reading this line makes me think of that song: Girl, you know it’s true Ooh Ooh Ooh I love you -Milli Vanilli) I’ve been an impatient, mean mama and wife lately. Which then makes me stress because I ‘should’ be loving life, just being thankful that I am alive. I am thankful but things still suck sometimes. And when I stress, I get the urge to purge. Like throwing everything out will give me clarity or something. Still looking for that clarity….. 

I’m finding it hard to find the humor in this part of it all. Hopefully my next post will be more uplifting. 
“It’s a terrible story, although surprisingly upbeat.” -Name that movie 🎥
Oh and I’m going to leave this right here- 


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6 thoughts on “WARNING *** Do Not Read If You Don’t Want to Visit the Land of the Boobless 

  1. Many gentle hugs, love and prayers to you! You are so brave and strong to go thru this HORRIBLE disease! God love you and John! Words cannot describe how sorry I am that you or any women has to go thru radiation and everything else you’ve been thru.
    Keep it up..YOU are worth it!
    Love
    Janet Hund

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, Jessica, my feeling is you should stop trying to convince yourself you should be grateful!!! I don’t believe that for one minute!!! Thankful, maybe, that somehow God has given you the strength to get this far,, but “grateful,” absolutely not!! You have been an inspiration to all that have read your posts, to be sure. That you have been able to verbalize this journey that you have been on I am sure has been most helpful to you, as well as others. I think that “grateful” will come later when you finally learn “why me,” and what God’s purpose has been in all this for you, for HE surely had you in mind when HE decided you could and would endure this for some greater good. I don’t think HE expects you to be grateful for the experience! NO and HELL NO! I believe the “light at the end of the tunnel” is within reach and through it all you will have clarity as to the purpose of all this. You have shown amazing strength through it all, but in your weakness moments and in the quiet of your own thoughts (and I am sure there have been many), you would have liked this burden to have been lifted from you, for just a minute or an hour! My prayers continue to be with you almost daily (sometimes I forget – I am older than dirt!), and I see that light you are going towards becoming brighter and more beautiful as a reward for what God has asked you to do without you even knowing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Gee Jessica, I act that way everyday… nothing unusual there…..seriously, I just want to send you lots of hugs and more!!! This is just not fair.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh mama, I had no idea 😢😢😢. That looks and sounds so incredibly painful that I can almost feel the pain myself. You need to give yourself the space and permission to be bitchy right now…you’ve been through some horrible shit and now your skin is friggin burned to crap. Ouch! You’re alive and fighting and that’s all that matters. You aren’t expected to be perfect mom and wife right now. They all know your love for them runs as deep as the deepest part of the ocean so this is just a temporary state and you will come out of it and feel like you again. Sending all kinds of love your way Jess. ❤️😘👍🦄 (the unicorn is just because you are a magical creature, even if you don’t currently feel that way! 😊😜)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My heart aches for you, Jess. I’m sorry this has been so physically painful and mentally exhausting. You have every right to be angry and upset and irritated. Please give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. You are so brave and the fact that you can blog about your experience just shows that you are here on this planet to inspire others. I’m praying that your recovery from radiation starts to speed up. I’m sending loads of love your way. 💗💗💗

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jessica, you are an amazing and strong young woman. Judy, my wife and I have followed your “trials” thru your Blog (thanx to your father in law, who I grew up with) and have been thinking and praying for you from the start. Having a 47 yr. old daughter who, by age 25 had had both boobs removed and a hysterectomy, we have a tiny feeling of your pain and strength. Good on ya girl !! we’re with you every day and we, having never met you, simply love you !!
    Stan and Judy Burwell

    Liked by 1 person

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